People ask me, “Have you ever fallen in love”. I don’t get any answer to the question. Instead I start flipping the pages of my past. I try to search for love in my life. The instant figures that pop up in my mind is of my family members (of course, they are my first love) but then it’s not about ‘Love with your family’. It is about the love which has kept you awake for several lonely nights. I again start my search (keeping the requirement of ‘lonely nights’ in my mind), I land upon my childhood days. I call it a crush, an attraction. It was the time when going to school had the only objective and that was to see him. Turning back and looking at him artfully in the class such that no one could have noticed me was the part of my daily class routine. His absence in the class was like the world without Oxygen to me. I was a child, unaware of the worldly realities. I did overcome of that amazing feeling which I then used to call love.
The next of it when I felt for someone was when I was a teen, new to the world of realities. The memories of those days reminds me of these lines from ‘The Seven Ages’, the famous sonnet by William Shakespeare,
‘And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress’ eyebrow.’
I was enthusiastic, brimming with zeal. I longed to know what love was like. And then suddenly a face seized my eyes and carved out its outline on my heart. I created embroidery of dreams, stitch by stitch. My feelings grew mightier and then it all got shattered. He already had his mistress. I burnt my ballads into the fire I was burning in. I sobbed, bemoaned the heart-wreck and then moved on. What makes me laugh is that I don’t feel the same for that guy anymore. Today, seeing him is just like seeing any of my other friends. Was that love? I doubt it.
I was determined to not to get into any of the absurd thing as love again. But again the cupid’s strike didn’t leave me untouched. But this time it all ended in a dreadful manner. Now, I hated love. And again I stepped out of the gloomy episode of my life. The bewilderment of being in or not being in love was still a part of my thoughts.
So, ultimately I am on the land of utter dilemma. Had I ever been in love? Or was I just a puppet in the hands of my mighty mind (The crushes and infatuation). I feel that it is difficult to make out whether I am in love or is it a mere attraction. I look at the couples down on streets, holding their hands, smiling at each other. And I doubt, are they in love?